I wish you paid attention. So we wouldn’t be here over and over again. I observe you very well; when it comes to you losing control, I’m there to hold you down. Me? I maybe stubborn, but all I ask is the same treatment in return. Monsters like me need love. Don’t we all? If I’m rough and reckless, I want you to be the opposite, so things can cool down. How about stop saying “I’m sorry.. I will” and start doing something about it.

I’m a very odd girl who came from a heartbroken history. No matter how many years have passed, it’s still haunting me. I’m missing a lot of things in my heart which made me how I act/am today. If you knew my history and feel the heartaches I’ve been through, you would understand why I’m such a wishful person. I know I expect a lot (which I’m sorry in advance), but I just want to be softly loved and comforted. I always had tough love; I’m so used to it. Things are getting too hard out there and all I want is a gentle touch. I don’t mind shedding a tear because I know when I have that moment, it’s out of happiness. Feel for me like how I feel for you. I want you to know me very well like your favorite song; knows every word, rhythm, and story behind it. Like if I’m having these problems, I want you to be the one who says “I got this” and does something about it. I know I do that for you.

I do my best just to walk away when I feel hot headed. I hate feeling irritated and being in pain at the same time. I feel bad for what I’ve done. I just don’t want to set off in front of people because anything could happen. I hate having so much pride; I don’t want to show anybody my tears, me upset, or furious. I’m trying to change to be a better person. I don’t want to be angry all the time and be dangerous to those I love; I don’t want this as a habit. I don’t care if it sounds immature; I’m glad I walked away just to let the steam go. I get so irritated so easily.. I can’t help it. I need to learn how to take jokes not too seriously; I just don’t like being ganged up. It really annoys me; it makes me want to punch a wall. I’m really good at playing things off, but not all the time. Today, I did show anger, but I didn’t throw any fists or yelling which I’m proud of.

Just watch how you approach to me.

M.I.S.C.H.I.E.F 8.
We called ourselves that because we’re badass. Really. Well, it has our name in it.
Megan NIkki KriSten Celeste MikHaila AnnIe AlExa AFrica and there’s eight of us.
Pretty corny, right? I love it. We all had our shares of  tears, arguments, differences, bonds, and laughs. We shared everything together. They’re seriously my realest friends. I miss them so much. I made through high school because of them. I’ll never forget the time I was failing in Geometry and all of them helped me out with my work, so I can get that passing grade. We’re such a family even though we have our differences. I really regret not being with them the whole time during high school like our last retreat, senior prom, and our senior trip. I wish I could go back in time and share it with them, but it’s okay. My stupid friends are going through our pictures from high school on Facebook and commenting about it. Oh, how we have changed in looks, but we’re still the same rowdy people. I love them so much; I need to be reunited with them once again, the eight of us. 
Our table was the business. We shared stories, secrets, and vented to each other there. Oh yeah, and eat.. I’m going through withdrawal. They all mean the world to me. One of these days, when ALL of us are in relationships again, I want all of us to go on a eight date. I want our boyfriends to know how we all really are in the group. Like “the quiet one, the loud one, the mother, the baby, the slut, the leader” or whatever. We’re so awesome in a group, lemme tell you. We shared the good and the bad. We all know how we are in our happiest and worst moods. Gawd, I miss my girls. 

it still feels different since you’re not around. You’re here by spirit, but it just doesn’t feel the same. I’m not used to it just yet. I’m currently watching a dvd my mom brought back during your funeral; there were pictures of us, you having fun, and with the family. When I saw you in your casket, I just teared and hoped that my parents didn’t see. You looked so peaceful and handsome sleeping. You had a garden around you, a marching band, a carriage to carry you, and best of all, lying with your wife that’s already creamated. Your funeral is just like a king’s death; you are a king. Everybody worshiped you and you lived like a modest king. Tatay, I miss you so much. I’m coming back home next year. I think I might get a little emotional since I won’t be running to you with my arms wide open. It’ll be hard, but I’ll get over it. I love you so much; I’m just glad you went to the Lord’s hands so peacefully. Stay handsome and watch over us. Honestly, I don’t want to watch this video.. I can’t bare seeing you with your eyes not opening, but I guess I have to grow up and learn how to handle it even if it’s not in person. I asked mama to bring back the sheets you used to sleep on, so I can use it and be close to you when I sleep. You used my Lion King sheets, so you would always think of me. Now, it’s my turn for you. It smells just like you. Rest easy, tatay. Love you and good night. Watch me grow, protect me from evil, give me courage, and be my conscience.

I may call out on you sometimes, but I’m looking out for you. Not going to lie, the way you react, say, and attitude really sucks. I know you get sensitive when things like this happens, but I just want you to learn from it. I might give an attitude as well and just scream on the top of my lungs to make you notice how much it pisses me off, but I just want to fix that little problem of yours. Other people notices as well. “Who cares what people think.” Yes, you are right, but if you grow up and still have that kind of attitude then it’ll become a bad habit. Nobody likes a person with a rotten attitude. Your face screams out that you’re bitter; just tone it down a bit. I’m being a truthful friend and nobody wants to be around with a person with a terrible attitude like that. I just want to be that person to straighten you up. All I ask for is for you to tone it down a notch. We get it you’re upset, but don’t make a scene. I don’t care how many times I have to yell at you like if you’re my child, I just want you to control yourself. No one else is going to tell you this. 

I don’t feel too confident with my first final. I stayed the whole hour and few minutes reviewing and finishing up my test. Now I’m here, on my couch, crying how I’m a failure even though I studied so hard for weeks. I hate this. I hate this feeling. I’m ashamed of myself. I’m an idiot. I don’t want to be a failure, but from what I’m seeing I am. I did this to myself. I hate it. I just want to stay in all day and not do anything. I tried my best. That’s all I can say.

I released everything that’s been bothering me. I screamed, cried, and punched everything around me. Yeah, it wasn’t good for me, but it just felt good to let go. I’m stressed out. I need to get some steam out of my system. I sat on my ass for six hours straight in Panera studying. I just want to do well. That’s all. It’s killing me; at least I feel a little better than before.

I hate finals. I hate school. I hate this weather. I hate this terrified feeling. 

It’s too quiet and I can’t bare the noise. 

I feel empty. It feels different. Should I be scared? Should I be worried? I don’t what’s going on or what made it this way; either way, I feel bothered. It’s really digging in my skin. Nothing’s happening. So you know what? I’m about to sleep because I am tired physically and somewhat emotionally. 

“You have a strong desire to hide today. Maybe you have a sense of foreboding, and you don’t know how to cure it. So instead of being an explorer and seeing out the source of your fear and worry, you are going deeper inside yourself to find the answer. But that’s not good, Leo. If something is troubling you then the best way to handle it is with positive certainty that everything will be alright. There really is nothing to worry about. In fact, your cosmic forecast looks amazingly good right now. You should find yourself feeling better and better today if you don’t let your panic take over.”